A trip to the Market!

When one enters a grocery store or neighborhood market, there are certain things they should expect to find. Let's see what we find in the local market just around the corner...

It looks like cheese. It's the same color as cheese. It's dimensions are perfect for the fitting between two slices of bread. This, however, is not cheese. Ok, that Brie in the corner is cheese, but it's imported. The rest are imposters posing as cheese. I shan't be fooled again!

Quail eggs? I'm not sure.

Mother's Finger? Ewwww! Sorry about the unnecessary bird flipping.

Soju! The drink of choice for anyone on a budget...or just anyone who wants to get hammered. It's cheaper than beer and has 20% to about 45% alcohol by volume (ABV) according to wikipedia. This data is also confirmed by the wicked fucking hangover I experienced on Sunday. Seriously, it's Wednesday and I can't even look at this picture without feeling guilt and regret.








And now, the feminine hygiene isle. Don't roll your eyes. I'm actually shopping here! This isn't just fun and games! I have NEEEEDS! M'kay I'm a little emotional, so I'll just get what I need and get out of here...

...but wait a second...where are the tampons? Let's see if you can find them, hmmm?

And here we have some ordinary Silkworm Pupa. SILKWORM PUPA?!

You know what my lashes could use? A little hair mascara.

Now, in theory it may seem practical and even sensible to wear one of these surgical masks during a swine flu outbreak, but Koreans wear them EVERY DAY and swine flu was so last year.

Also, the people who wear them look super fuckin' creepy.

So, did you ever find that box of tampons? Yeah, well neither could I. 

And there's a reason I couldn't find them. 

Maybe I should feel honored by the fact that there's only one box of tampons. I'm the only foreigner girl in the area. Maybe they were thinking of me specifically. Also, do Korean women only use pads? 

Cuz eww. I'm not gonna get into the whole pad thing and why I think they're gross. They just are.

*Please feel free to send pics of other weirdness in the grocery store, and maybe I'll do another installment.

*Photoshopping by Ian Lawrence

Adorable Couple

Last sunday I spent the afternoon at Seoul Photo, a photography expo showcasing mainly Korean and Japanese works. Had I not been invited by my friend Ian, a photo/film expert, I surely would have missed out on seeing some really exciting stuff. Some of it was typical still life or nature pics, which honestly bore me. More often it was strange, sexy, or thought provoking. But I have to say (probably much to Ian's chagrin) that the most moving thing I saw was not any installment in the show. It was this cute Korean couple doing something very very Korean. Now I realize that the past few posts have been pointing out negatives in the culture here, but I assure you the positives far outweigh them (dirty hands, squatters, and all). Korean girls almost always dress up, and they always have cute bags and accessories to match their tiny heels. It's very common to see a Korean man holding his girlfriend's little pink or white purse on the subway or bus, which at first I thought looked ridiculous. Now I have embraced it, and find it to be such a sweet gesture, especially after I saw this cute couple at Seoul Photo.

The Bathroom Situation. Spoiler alert! (Gross)

In general the bathroom situation over here is...what's that word? Oh yeah! Horrifying. D: So, most people know about "squatters" (pictured) and that's gross or whatever, but not nearly as upsetting as the hand washing situation or shall I say lack thereof. I was unpleasantly surprised to find that most all bathrooms lack something many of us consider essential. And that thing is hot water. Oh, and they usually don't have soap. But more often there will be soap and only cold water. Now I'm not sure why this is. Hot water is too expensive? Korean hands are very sensitive to being clean? I mean warm? Whatever the reason, I'm just really puzzled. How the hell are you supposed to wash your hands?! Anyone who's ever washed a friggin dish knows that hot water actives the soap. And by activates I mean "makes it do" (shout out to Memphis). Is everyone in this country walking around with cold dirty hands?? Cuz GROSS!! Most foreigners learn early on that if you're going to any place for more than an hour you need to prepare yourself for a trip to the bathroom. Things you will need: tissues (many places don't have tp), hand sanitizer, a weak gag reflex, imagination, a good sense of humor, and maybe some smelling salts. just sayin'.

How to Become A Social Outcast

Back in November Korea got angry. More specifically Korean men got angry. To narrow that down a bit more, it was the short Korean men who got the angriest. Like totally pissed. On a popular Korean talk show called "Misuda" or "Chatting with Beauties", a Korean University student was quoted saying: "I don't like short men. Height is competitiveness these days, and I think short men are losers. Men should at least be 180 cm tall." Damn, I thought when I heard this. That's rough. As you can probably imagine she became famous very quickly, and not in a good way. Online, angry little Koreans began to dissect her life. They googled the shit out of her name and got her internet ID, which led them down a path to every shallow thing she's ever said online. (We can only imagine, as they've all since been removed.) She's been stalked at her University and her closest "friends" seem to have turned against her, divulging more juicy bits. Some dude even filed a lawsuit against the network for 10 million krw for "mental distress". Now, I have been guilty of having similar conversations with my girlfriends saying things like "I prefer tall men", but never "short men are losers." That's totally different. I mean, who does this bitch think she is? Well, I'll tell you who she is. She's a loser. I know about 25 million Korean men would agree with me.

Here's the story from The Korean Herald

Tales from the Dressing Room : Matching Underwear and other Korean Faux Pas

As any expat living in Seoul will tell you, shopping for clothes in Korea can be a headache. Sizes are limited in every area. For women, it's nearly impossible to find shoes above a size 8. Tall people of both sexes also get screwed. And don't even think about being fat. You thought back home you felt bad about your little spare tire? Psh! Over here you don't even have the right to cover it up! They might as well just say "Hey, fat-ass! Either put down the Toblerone or you can wrap yourself in trash bags for the remainder of your uncomfortable stay here!" By the way, they do have Toblerone's and an astonoshing number of Bakery's and Coffee Shops per capita. There's even Dunkin Donuts and (double take) fuckin' Krispy Kreme!? I have yet to uncover the secret of the skinny here, or better yet "get the skinny on the skinny" (snicker), but I will stay vigilant in snooping around until I can understand how there's so many places to buy nothing buy fatty sweets and carbohydrates but no plus size stores. It's a mystery.

So, that brings me to the video. Ah, what fun it is to go underwear shopping with your boyfriend and flirt as you pick out some sexy....wait...matching underwear sets? with fucking pink bunnies and kittens decorating his junk? Is this some kind of sick role playing or what?!

Naked Ladies

Just over two hours ago a was sharing a shower with the most beautiful naked woman. I'm not telling you this to brag or suggest anything sexual even. I'm merely pointing out a fact. This image has become the symbol of some very dramatic changes in my own personal psychology. I felt no awkwardness. This woman is my yoga instructor. I don't have to tell you, since you can probably guess that she has an amazing body. Something very strange (or strangey to those familiar with ko-rean/engrish speak) has happened to me. Something really amazing actually. I now feel more comfortable in my own skin than I ever thought was possible.

In the past three months I have seen more naked ladies than I have ever seen in my entire life. In addition to Yoga, I have also joined a local gym that has a nice big swimming pool so I can do m'laps. My awkward introduction to this world of naked Korean woman is worth describing since it is hilarious.

About a month into my new life in Seoul I decided to take a trip to a place called the Jimjilbong. My spelling is probably wrong, but that's irrelevant. Now from what I had heard around the water cooler this is a magical place where you are pampered and massaged and cured of all ailments and servants will feed you berries and fan you with those big banana leaves like you'd you see in old movies and cartoons. I just had to find out for myself. My only problem was that I didn't know anyone, or rather didn't feel comfortable going with anyone I had met-especially not The Republican! This is the name I have given to one of my co-workers who is of that conservative persuasion. So, I went alone. I mean Hey! I came to a foreign country from the other side of the globe without knowing anyone, so I think I can handle a little massage!

I was wrong. No one there speaks English and I mean NO ONE. I walk in and the woman looks at me and says something indecipherable. I get out my pocketbook ready to point at different colored bills until one is greeted with a nod, a skill I had acquired in my first week. She doesn't seem amused. She turns away and calls over another woman who apparently is the English speaker. Spoiler alert! Her English sucks, too. So this woman tells me "eighteen thousand" which I understand to be 18,000 krw which is roughly a little less than $18.00. Sounds totally reasonable to me. So, I give her 18,000 and she looks at me like I'm crazy. Then I'm all like Hmmm...well that's what you just said so...? Now, if there's one thing I know for sure, it's when I'm being made fun of. To my knowledge she then proceeds to alert everyone else in the room that I am fucking retarded and they all have a good laugh. Eventually the money gets straightened out (8,000 not 18,000). This involves lots more laughing and awkwardness, and I am given a key. The key is a mystery to me. I take my mystery key and start to follow some other people who seem like they know where to go, when the woman at the desk yells over in my direction. Again, I'm like Ok, WTF now?! Apparently my key was to a locker that was only for my shoes and I was now walking on sacred barefoot ground. She had also given me a slip of paper with a number. Hmmmm...curious. So I get into the locker room area after standing in the hallway for another awkward five minutes because I don't read Hangeul (Korean) so I don't know which is the mens and which is the women's locker room. And when I walk in I see nothing but naked bodies. A sea of them really; young, old, fat, thin. But, what shocks me is how casual everyone seems. I immediately avert my eyes out of embarrassment, which is funny because I'm fully dressed with my coat and scarf. And I probably look hilarious standing there.

So, I'm standing there trying not to see anyone's boobs and this woman is behind the desk. She can tell that I'm uneasy I think. The awkwardness is palpable. She takes my number slip, gives me shorts and a t-shirt, and shows me to my locker. I notice other people in these shorts and t- shirts all walking in the same direction so I follow them. The next part is boring. I get a massage. An amazing massage. But, the interesting part is when I go back into the locker room to brave the nakedness. So, I'm standing there for what seems like an eternity and then I take a deep breath and strip down to my bare ass. There are these sauna rooms and giant hot pools and hot tub type things with jets in the locker room. There's also these little personal shower stations to clean yourself after you've done all the sweating you can do. I'm feeling like such an imposter as I try to appear casual walking into the "naked room". At first I'm just in shock I think, and then I realize that every other woman and young girl is staring at me. Wow I thought. I have never felt so self conscious. Ever.

Of course, I knew that they were checking me out because I look different. I have boobs. Big ones. I also have a massive and quite provocative tattoo covering my entire back. Obviously they were curious. So I got in one of the smaller hot tubs with the jets and minded my own business. It was extremely relaxing. I closed my eyes and drifted off for a short while. But when I opened my eyes I began to notice that these woman were going out of their way to come look at me. And for some reason I started to feel...like...cool. They were looking at me, but I was looking at them too like Hey, you look just like that other girl over there...kinda normal. And then it occurs to me that I'm like a total fucking badass. Yeah, I have an ass...and it's awesome! And my boobs...they're awesome, too! Ha! I LOVE my body!

And with that, I began a love affair. A very personal one. With myself.

Um...yeah

So, all of these posts are just me trying to remember what has happened and catching up with the present. For some reason I feel like I'm supposed to tell everything in order, and if that doesn't happen I dunno, but maybe something awful with happen like I'll actually live my life instead of sitting in front of a computer trying to remember mundane details of my occasionally noteworthy experiences. And on top of that it's like I'm trying to spice it up to make it funny or more interesting somehow. Ok, I'm clearly not into doing this right now. Whatever.

Christmas

Christmas sucked. It just plain sucked. I woke up with a terrible sinus infection and had to go to the emergency room. Then I spent the remainder of that day along with the next two days in bed watching every Christmas movie ever made on my laptop from the blanket caccoon I had made. Let's see: I watched Charlie Brown, The Grinch, Gremlins, Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, It's A Wonderful Life (ironic title), Home Alone and started to watch the Star Wars Christmas Special, but it didn't download properly. It's interesting how these movies are intended to give us joy, but they always seem to make us more depressed. Am I alone here? Anyway, I'm glad that shit's over.

New Years rolled around and I was just itching to self medicate. And boy did I! Pulled my first all nighter. Met some crazy Aussies, drank till the sun came up, slept the whole next day, and had absolutely no regrets. No pics I'm afraid. Just believe me when I say that a great time was had by all.

Thanksgiving

Here's what happened on Thanksgiving.

The holiest of days

So this is blogging eh? Hmmm. Not sure what to sayyyyyyyyyy. Guess I'm not a good blooger. Blogger. Whatever. Um, well the purpose of this blog (I guess) is to tell about all of my exciting adventures living in Korea for a year! In my head I just said that sarcastically and then sighed for real. Honestly, I'm in a terrible mood right now so everything is gonna have that terrible mood slant. Also, this blog shit seemed like a good idea in theory, but now it seems like a lot of pressure to be funny or clever and I just don't know if I have it in me. Hmph!

I arrived on October 31st (the holiest of days) and was hellbent on celebrating my favorite holiday no matter what. Strangely, I was not very tired. Or maybe I was so tired that I wasn't anymore. Full circle. The first person I met at the school was Kelly. I believe I arrived on a Saturday. She came in on her day off at the request of the Head Mistress. "How nice of her!", I thought. That was before I figured out that above all else you must OBEY. (This really only applies to the Korean teachers), but more on that later.

Kelly was very nice to me. A little too nice... (spoiler alert!) and showed me to my "apartment" which I will now refer to as my room. It's not terribly small, but it's definitely not a one bedroom as advertised. Either way, I'm satisfied with the accommodations and won't go into much detail as I plan to post a video soon.

I had been in my room for just about five minutes when I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door to see someone with blonde hair and blue eyes. She turned out to be a very kind woman named Maura. She's a bit older and has a daughter who's in her early twenties I think. Immediately I could tell that she is very nice and motherly and boring and I have nothing in common with her. Later I found out that she's a hardcore Republican and hates Obama and gay people. So yeah.

I'm not sure whether Maura brought him over or whether he...no actually she left to go get the other foreign teacher named Jeff. He's Canadian and hilarious. No really. This dude is a for real comedian who does tours and has websites and fans. Needless to say, I was so happy to have lucked out. My greatest fear was living in close quarters with some people I can't stand. It's hard enough to pack your shit and move across the globe to a foreign non-english speaking country (in Seoul many people do speak english, but you get the idea) without being forced to live with a bunch of assholes. So, for Jeff I am grateful. For Maura, I am sad.

As it turns out, Maura is diabetic and has to be careful about what she eats/drinks so she turned down the offer to go to a Halloween party with Jeff and his friends. I was happy to be invited along, so that I didn't have to invite myself. After all, I was hellbent. First we went to Toys R' Us to procure some costumes. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that this store exists in Korea. I bought a long pink wig, which I chopped off at the chin. My costume was Scarlett Johanson's character from lost in translation. Jeff purchased some thick costumey glasses and a baldy wig. What do you call it when a guy is completely bald on top, and has thick hair on both sides? Well, that's what he got. His costume was some some well known Korean comedian apparently. He had a little schtick he would do and all the Koreans were in tears, but I didn't get it. The friends we met were a married couple named Nate and Kat. They were a lot of fun. We had drinks at their apartment and then went to a nearby bar. All in all, I would say that my first night here was a success! I shall post pics as proof.